conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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