You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
