just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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