Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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