can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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