Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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