I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
