I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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