i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
