The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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