last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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