I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
