the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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