Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
