question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize