I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
