You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
