Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
