Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The air was thick with penises
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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