I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
