Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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