I think im going to throw up on grandma
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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