ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
