I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
