tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
