I will die if light touches me.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize