They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
