My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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