NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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