Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
