I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
