p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
