i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Two words: blizzard sex
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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