I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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