My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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