Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
