You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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