On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
