We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize