We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
