Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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