I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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