We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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