did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
