you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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