seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
