wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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