I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
