You just made me feel so damn special
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
