My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize