I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
