She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
