dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
