he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
