I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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