ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
