i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
