How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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