If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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