I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
