so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize