I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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