I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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