Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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