Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
